Helping or Hindering? The trouble with solving all our kids problems
I’ve started wondering…is helping my kids actually helping my kids? Or am I just teaching them how to NEED others to solve their problems for them?
Moms I think we’ve been over helping our kids, and it’s hindering them. I know we want to run to their aid, we want to show them we’ll always be there for them, that they can trust us & lean on us for anything. But I’m starting to see that letting them figure things out for themselves might be what they really need in order to develop important life skills.
I’ve been noticing my kids have become dependent on Mom to solve all their problems, even the not so critical ones. While of course, I want to help them navigate difficult situations, I don’t think “I can’t find it” (while sitting on the bed, not looking for anything) qualifies as something that I have to jump up and figure out for them.
I know our intentions are good, we want to make sure our kids know they can always count on us. But Mom’s, I think it’s time to let go a bit and teach our kids to problem solve on their own, to use the smarts God gave them. Below are a 2 major hindrances I’ve noticed starting to happen.
Hindrance: Not allowing them to practice problem solving & gain confidence
When problem solving isn’t practiced, it isn’t learned. Simple right? We won’t always be there to solve their problems. So when they stumble and fall, they may not know how to get back up and try again.
They need to learn how to maneuver, get around the walls they’ll hit, find other solutions until they’ve solved their problem. If we keep running to them for all things great & small, they’ll become so used to it that they won’t even try to figure things out for themselves and become defeated. They won’t know where to start, & they’ll give up before they even begin. While we still have our arms somewhat around them, we should allow them to practice falling so they can start learning how to assess a problem and correct it. This is going to build their problem solving confidence.
Hindrance: Not allowing them to exercise their brain
We’ve got to let our kids work through it. I know we get impatient, or we want to help, or often we just need to hurry and get past this issue so we can move on to other things. But as many times as we have the opportunity, we need to let them struggle through until they come up with a solution. There’s tremendous value in it, even if they don’t get it right away, thoughts develop, ideas flow, connections are made. They come to the realization that they have to try again a different way. These are skills they need to develop for life. Give them the freedom to fail, rethink, & retry.
Ways to encourage problem solving & creative process
OK, so now that we’ve established the need to allow our kids to problem solve and exercise their thinking skills, I’ve got a few ideas that will help them get started on the problem solving process.
- Ask them questions and let them figure out the answers on their own. This will allow them to not only be creative in finding answers (kind of like putting together the pieces of the puzzle), but will also help them to organize & process their thoughts in a safe setting. Remember, this has to be one-way, you have to let them do this on their own.
- Show them how to do something (ex. put away the dishes, tie their shoes) a few times, then give them the space and freedom to fail, and rethink until they find a way that works for them. This lesson will help them develop processes and since finding a solution isn’t tine sensitive, so they can take their time.
- Let little ones have chores (like organizing toys, or sorting laundry in two different color piles) that will help them create a process and follow through with the execution of it. Be sure to keep them accountable for an extended period of time so they can learn to be consistent. They’ll begin to learn what works and how to tweak the process if it’s not working for them.
- Chores are also a good way to teach older kids to how benefit from accurate and completed work. Right now, they’ll be earning privileges like TV time or an allowance, but later in life it’s a lesson they’ll draw on to benefit them in their careers. It shows them that seeing things through to the end can come come with rewards. Oh, and the quality of work determines the quality of the reward, double lesson!
Running to solve their every need is not actually helping them in every situation. As they (and I grow), I’m learning that my parenting also has to grow. I pray this is something you’re also realizing, and these tips will help you on your parenting journey. Moms, of course we love them dearly, and I’m beginning to realize that sometimes loving them looks different that I imagined it would. Sometimes it looks like stern corrections, punishments, or letting them struggle through lessons, but their future depends on these lessons of today.
Much love, tons of giggles & continued grace,
26 Comments
We were the type of parents who didn’t solve our kids problems. We were there to help guide and especially when they asked for help. They will never learn to solve anything if we are always bailing them out.
Yes, a guiding hand is much preferred….and a lot of patience too.
I completely agree. I think that sometimes they have to figure it out on their own and do things that they don’t want to do. Thanks for this parenting reminder!
Heather, you’ve got that right. Typically when they don’t want to do something it’s because it will take too much effort, but that’s exactly what they need to be learning to do, put forth effort.
We’ve learned that it’s better to teach than to do for them. They need to know how to take care of themselves once they are at the right age.
Right, or we’ll be solving their problems into their adult years…YIKES!
As much as I love helping my kids solve their problems, I know in the long run it isn’t in their best interest. Instead, I help them strategize by asking questions and then they feel excited once they figure it out on their own.
Melissa, isn’t it so great to see them work thought it and be proud?! It’s a pretty proud mom moment too.
Agreed! They need to learn how to solve their own struggles and overcome on their own. Otherwise they will never learn they are capable.
They really are so much more capable than they realize, it’s just that being capable is not always fun.
Yes, let them chores! Thanks for the tips. 🙂 I needed to hear a few of these today.
I was thrilled when my kids reached the age they were able to start doing chores. It’s such a big help, and they begin to realize the mess doesn’t magically disappear.
I try to be as hands off as possible. My hope is that my boys learn to become independent problem solvers.
Exactly. We can be the net that catches them, but they have to learn to jump!
I needed to read this post! I feel like as their mom I need to help my kids as much as I can! I’m going to be thinking back on this every time I’m tempted to help them with every little thing! Thank you so much!
Crystal, I’m so happy this will encourage you as you move forward. Believe me, I still want to jump in, but now I ask myself “what’s the harm in letting them figure this out?” if I can’t find a good answer then I back off a bit. Good Luck, you’ve got this!
I don’t have kids but I loved when my mom just listened!
Amanda, that’s so great to hear. I think as parents we tend to switch into helping mode and forget what we wanted from our parents when we were growing up. Thanks for that!
Great read! I just love this topic!
You’re welcome, and thanks for stopping by Erin.
I’m sure this is such a prevalent topic among many parents! I personally don’t have any kids, but I worked in a daycare and was a nanny for quite a while. I don’t think there is a right or wrong way, because every family personality and style s completely different! In my eyes, solving all of the childs problems would be a hinderence. However, I do believe that guiding them is beneficial. Answer all of their questions, maybe turn the question back on them and see if they can answer it in a new way, etc.
Lauren, with all your experience I’m sure you’ve got a lot of advice that you could offer parents that may be stuck in the weeds of a situation. Such a great perspective you have, and I agree, turning the question back to them is a great way to get them thinking.
So many great point! One day we won’t be around and have to trust that they can think things through independently!
Amen Christy, we have to teach them to survive without us all the time. Our role is to prepare them for life.
Loved reading a like-minded perspective on motherhood! I totally agree and believe whole-heartedly that as soon as we as mothers (or fathers) raise the standard and allow our children to “work it out,” so much more good can be reaped in the home, relationships and even overall in our society!
Rachel, you’re right about the improved relationships. I think the kids are starting to notice that it takes effort to get through the day and make decisions…things don’t just happen by magic.