Apologizing to your kids-What it teaches them
Do you hesitate to apologize to your kids? I have no problem admitting to my kids when I’ve made an error. OK, so this statement may need a few qualifications but in general, Mama’s & Papa’s, it’s okay to say sorry to your kids.
Qualifying that statement
We are the parents. It’s our job to lay foundation and guidelines for the running of our homes, and the raising of our children. There are tons of rules that we lay down that our kids won’t like. However, that doesn’t mean that we should be apologizing or over-turning what we’ve determined to be the law of the land. For example:
Kid: “Mom, I really wanted dessert and you’re making me sad because you didn’t give it to me”
Mom: “You know that if you don’t finish dinner, you don’t get dessert”
See, simple, although I may add a bit more sarcasm in real life! Rules are rules and that’s that! Okay, well most of the time… What I’m referring to here, is when we as parents act like normal human beings, and loose our cool, resulting in the need to apologize.
That dreaded day
I have a sore memory of a day one summer when I took the kids out to a water park. My first mistake was that I tried to cram way too many activities into that day. Needless to say it was overwhelming and things weren’t going a planned. The kids were so excited they could hardly contain themselves. They started running, and my son fell. He fell hard! I mean completely wiped out! At that point I was already boiling over with frustrations from earlier in the day, my response was to order everyone to the car and leave. After we got in the car, I began to shout about this and that, honestly, I don’t even remember what I said. I just remember I blew it. I didn’t respond kindly, with compassion, or in a way that was pleasing to anyone.
Stop pushing it away
For the next few days I pushed the memory aside with excuses that was merely an attempt to make me feel better about how I acted. Then finally I caved, instead of pushing this memory away any longer, I sat in it. I sat in it because after all this time it was still affecting me and I actually wanted to wrestle with it. So I did. I sat and thought about my reaction to the situation.
Why I HAD to apologize
By finally dealing with this I was forced to fully recognize and come to grips with a couple things.
- I can’t remember many details of that day, but what I do remember is the look on my sons face. The look of pain not only because he fell, but because I didn’t take the time to comfort him. I remember how insensitive I was. Even now I cry about it because I can never go back to that day and correct my wrongs. It’s a lost opportunity.
- Another reason is because it was wrong to let outside influences determine the way I reacted towards my kids, who honestly did nothing wrong.
- Sadly another realization I learned from this is that I gave my son a memory that neither of us wanted to have. I think this is why the memory of that day never left me. It’s been implanted, permanent, and can’t be erased just because I’m sorry. In a way, I thank God for that. I’ll remember this every time my flesh rises up and wants to react before pausing.
What the apology taught us all
To some, this issue may seems like small potatoes, ok, so you had a moment, lost your cool, got frustrated, but I doubt Aden would agree. What we categorize as insignificant, can have an impact on our children. Being the mother of these children is one of the most important things I’ll do in my life, so II should treat it as such. After apologizing here’s what we learned:
- There’s no shame in admitting you’ve made a mistake. In fact it’s part of growing and maturing. Consider it an opportunity for growth.
- Making a mistake is a part of life, so we should learn to deal with it, no matter how old we are.
- Everyone’s feelings matter, no matter how small they are. We shouldn’t discount anyone’s feelings based any sort of criteria.
- Reacting in frustration is never OK and leads to regret. Ignoring that we’ve made an error will only prolong our responsibility to apologize.
Ultimately, apologizing to our kids is an open door for us to show them what humility looks like. At the same time, we’re giving them the opportunity to show grace and forgiveness, just as God shows towards us. It’s a perfect way to display our heavenly fathers continued love towards us when we ask Him for forgiveness.
Apologizing to your kids allows them to show grace and forgiveness Click To TweetGoing forward, I’ll remind myself that my short term choices may result in long term regret. And for you, I pray you’re able to see that apologizing doesn’t mean you’re showing weakness as a parent. It’s actually teaching your children maturity and how to take responsibility over their choices.
Is there something that keeps trying to creep back into your memory? Something that maybe you didn’t handled in a way that reflects grace? Maybe there’s a lesson your pushing away that needs to be learned.
48 Comments
I really loved this…some days can be so tough and overwhelming and its so easy to react in ways that we regret! But I do the same thing and always say I’m sorry to my girls after I have calmed down. They are still so young and have no clue what I am saying, but I still give them hugs or kiss and apologize for getting upset. its only fair to them like you said!
Julia, it’s funny because our kids can sometimes see right past our downfalls. My son was the same way, he was so quick to forgive and forget. In those moments is when I can see God in them. God forgives us quickly and will no longer remember our transgressions. Good for you for showing your kids what an apology looks like!
It’s a little disgusting how often I have to apologize to my kids. But I always try to remind myself that a little humility never hurt anyone and it’s teaching them that everyone makes mistakes and the proper way to handle it is to own up to it. And it makes my heart flutter to hear tiny voices say ‘We forgive you, mama’.
Oh goodness Jordan, the impact of those words coming out of our little ones is such a beautiful reminder to us as adults. It reminds us that they are not to be discounted, and they are such a great example to us on how to forgive. Great job on recognizing when you have to apologize though…it’s not always easy.
Oh my goodness, I didn’t know that I needed to read this today. I’ll have to save it for later when my daughter is a wee bit older. Thank you, this is excellent.
Sami, I’m glad you stopped by. It’s always great to get a head start!
This is such a great post. I don’t know why parents have problems apologizing to their kids. Right is right.
Lynn honestly, I prefer to apologize to kids over adults. Adults hold grudges and remember too often. Our kids are so forgiving.
This is something every parent should remember. Sometimes we make mistakes to and it’s what you do and how you handle the situation that is important. Great post!
You’re right, often kids don’t remember what we did, but they forgive. They’ll remember that you were able to ask for forgiveness. It leaves an impact on them.
I am so glad you wrote this post. Parenting can be hard and stressful but we have to keep our composure and those times we do slip, we need to acknowledge them, like you’ve said. I think this is a post all parents should read, just as a reminder as how our actions are being perceived.
Thank you so much Victoria, that means a lot! Yeah, I think they also love that you’ve made them feel validated, and respected when you apologize to them.
It takes a great person to apologize. It’s a hard function to do. Great post momma – you were brave for doing for your kids; love this.
Definitely Melissa! Apologizing takes a lot of pride swallowing, but our kids want nothing more than to feel respected. They’re so forgiving, and they make it so easy.
Thanks for calling this out. It’s so important as a good person to apologize, no matter who it’s to. It’s something I want my kids to do and be okay with. We don’t have to be right all the time! So, being humble and sucking it up as a parent and adult is good 🙂
Yolanda, you’re right, there’s no need to feel shame or embarrassment just because we’ve made an error. Such is life, it’ll happen a few more times, I’m sure of it. It’s good for our kids to know it’s a part of life and be able to deal with it.
The other day I lost my temper with my daughter after being frustrated with something entirely different than her. I immediately noticed what I was doing and apologized. It’s always so important to stay humble.
At home with our family is a great place to start asking for forgiveness. Good for you, Corey! We all have those moments, but it’s the comeback that matters.
Oh my sweet friend. I love this. My own mother was really good at this. She showed humility and grace for herself and me so many times growing up. When I’ve messed up with my girls, especially my oldest, I always tell her that she and I are in this together. I’m learning too. I’m thankful for her patient heart with me as I figure out new seasons of motherhood. xoxo. You’re so awesome Jen.
Jill, I think honesty is one of the best approaches to mothering. Letting your kids know they’re part of the team gives them such a healthy understanding of family. I love that you say that to your daughters because I do the same with my kids. So exciting to know great mothers think a like **giggles. Seriously though, I let my kids know I’m doing the best I can and that teamwork is essential to the running of our family. God put us together for a reason. I’m so glad you enjoyed the post.
I love this post for so many reasons. “Reacting in frustration only leads to regret.” We have all been there. Tired and frustrated and we snap. We don’t even mean it to be directed towards our kids most of the time. But as you said, it is never okay to act that way and when we make the mistake in the moment, it is so important to apologize. I have a feeling that your apology is going to be the memory your son holds dear, not the blow up. Fantastic post.
Oh Brittany, I so hope my apology is something that sticks with him. He’s so compassionate and I would hate to do anything other than bolster his compassion. Thank you for taking time and spending it here today, my friend!
This was great. I definitely try to apologize to my daughter when I am wrong. I could totally see the look you were describing on your son’s face!
Vicki, it still hurts me to remember. It’s awful! I never want to be the reason he looks like that again. Good for you for doing the right thing!
I really appreciate this. I grew up in a family that the parents never apologized and just made excuses when they did mess up. It made it hard to forgive them when they truly hurt me. I hope to be the kind of mom that isn’t afraid to apologize to her kiddos.
Rachel, I feel you, I really do. Let me tell you, because this was something that YOU longed to hear and knew you should have heard, it’ll make you want to strive to do things differently. I find myself implementing parenting styles that I needed when I was growing up. Thank you for sharing,
As a mom of grown kids (and a 13-year-old “caboose”), this resonated with me. Even now I find myself remembering times when I didn’t apologize and should have. I’ve learned that it’s never too late to say “Hey, I know that sometimes I really blew it when you were growing up and I’m sorry.” My babies are starting to have babies, and I want them to know that a), it’s OK to blow it and b), it’s OK to come back and ask for forgiveness a long time later.
Cyndi, I bet that even as adults, your kids are still willing to forgive you like they were still your little child. We never stop being parents and never have to stop teaching them. That’s such encouragement to me to always be striving, no matter what phase of parenting I’m in.
It is such a good thing to be able to apologize! Teaches our kids so much
It really does Keri. Apologies can be hard, but our kids are so willing to forgive and make it easy for us.
Great post! Apologizing to our children models a picture of things they will confront and will need to do as adults. Thanks for sharing.
Tania, you’re right. And why wait until they’re adults…by then it’ll be such a hard thing to learn.
It’s so important to be willing to humble yourself and apologize to your kids. It teaches them so much and definitely teaches us something too.
Bailey, you’re right, it goes both ways.
LOved your post. some days really are tough.
I can’t argue with you there. Sometimes it really does mean taking a big step back, long enough to be able to release the anger, and then coming back to apologize. I’ve even told my kids to just walk away because I was so frustrated and didn’t want to take it out on them.
Yes! I so believe in apologizing when we do something wrong in life (even when that means apologizing to children). It can be a huge slice of humble pie to digest, but kids will never learn to genuinely apologize if they don’t see us living that out!
I love that Kristin…humble pie! Yes, we are (after all) to be the example for them.
Great post! There is nothing wrong with owning up to your mistakes as a mom! I apologize to my kids whenever I was genuinely out of line or forgetful or make a mistake. It has taught them to own up to their mistakes and to recognize when they make one. Love this!
Tina, you’re comment got me to thinking, I’m hoping that apologizing to them will take the shame out of making a mistake. It’s part of growing. And good for you for doing what you know is right!
I love this! It’s so hard for me to apologize to my kids but I know it’s necessary and good. Great post!
Cheyenne, give it a go, you’ll be surprised at how eager your kids are to forgive…and they light up when realize you respect them enough to ask for their forgiveness. It’s just good all the way around. Stay encouraged, you got this!
i’m so glad i’ve read your article. i totally agree with u. i talked about this subject with Christian friends and maybe I misunderstood, at least I hope so…but they didn’t share my point of you and adviced me to keep cool and not say sorry to my 3yr old daughter. even so I still say sorry because I think its a way to repair our relationship, it gives her an example. she is quick to say sorry to me and dad, to Jesus when praying. even if sb judges me, I feel it is correct to do so. God bless you!
Mia, thank you so much for sharing. Yes I think there can be an inappropriate time to apologize, (like apologizing for enforcing the rules of your home), but if you’ve done something and are genuinely sorry, then an apology is most likely fitting. I’ve heard others say that apologizing shows weakness, but if your firm in your rules, and discipline when necessary, then that gives a child a healthy & rounded understanding. Parenting is difficult to navigate, and we’re always adjusting, but you have to be comfortable with you role. Keep doing what you feel is right.
This is so powerful and definitely a lesson I have learned! It’s amazing the lesson it teaches them as well.
Oh Jehava, we’re better for realizing that it’s something we can (and should) do. We’re all on a learning journey, and it doesn’t have to end once we because adults.
Love, love, love this! Thank you for the awesome reminders and for making such great points. Leading by example is key and their feelings are important and do matter too. Thank you for this great post!
Oh Connie, thank you so much. I think we can forget that we’re raising future adults and the lessons we teach them will go with them when they leave us. Apologizing is something that may be a bit harder for adults, but not impossible.